Simply :)

I am feeling SO much better these days. Although my life has gone back down to 'boring level' and nothing particularly exciting is happening, that's the way I like it. For now.

In the last few days I have really realised that even if I am still bitterly single in a few months and my ex gets in touch, tells me he was wrong and wants to try again, I will say no. I really am done with boys. He is too much of an attention seeker and I already have a child, I don't need another one. I kind of have him figured out now. All that banter between random girls that he was willing to risk a relationship for... all for attention. He just needs it. Which is kind of sad. For him anyway, it's not my problem, he obviously has bigger insecurity issues than I ever have! And, more importantly, I was wrong to think he was right for me (cue applaude) so I am now setting my sights on men. And I think it should be nothing less than interesting! With three prospective men already on the horizon I don't think I need to worry about my man troubles and sink into a sudden depression over a realisation that, because I am a young mum, no man will ever want to be with me.

I am currently in a state of preparation however. Grace's dad is being nice to me. Not civil, actually nice. Which can only mean one thing. A calm before the storm. He is sweetening me up for something, I can tell. But I genuinely don't know what on earth he could come up with next really. No doubt it will be something unbelievably ridiculous so I'm just waiting for it. Not really something I can be bothered with but what can you do?

The weather is actually being appalling right now so I have been stuck in the house all day in fear of being blown half way up the road. So I am understandably going a little stir crazy. Thankfully after much persuasion Grace did go for a nap. She physically had to get out of bed to fall asleep on the floor which is odd but she's an odd child so I don't expect much less. She is currently bashing 'Bobby' (aka a Mr Blobby figure) with a toy car while yelling "more car!" which I assume means she wants more cars to bash Bobby with for maximum injury. I don't want to encourage violence but I can't help but laugh at her oddball ways. It's definitely time for her to go to bed though, stupid clocks going forward. Which reminds me, she can now say clock. Only she doesn't say clock. So every so often she will point at it and shout "COCK". I'm just hoping she doesn't spot the one on the church tower in town anytime soon. At least until she's managed to get the 'L' in there.

And on that note, I think that will do for now. I must get on with making my nutritional dinner. Beans on toast. Hooray for having NO money

You can never win

It's been a few days since I wrote here hey? That is because my life is now officially dull. I think it's a case of, I have a random burst of interesting-ness for a while then I tend to sink into the background of normality just like everybody else. Maybe I should try and create some drama... God, I moan when there's stuff going on and then I moan when there is nothing going on.

Elsewhere, not a lot to report really. Not spoken to my ex. Well, apart from accidentally emailing him about my upcoming party. He was on the 'attending' list and I sent an email to all the 'attendees' including him. Then I scrolled down the names to find him in my contact list next to a rather interesting profile picture of him getting very close face-wise to some girl. A very ugly girl at that. And that's not spite, she was damn ugly. Unless it was a guy, I wouldn't be surprised, it wouldn't be the first time that's happened. Either way, I just laughed it off. Some people never change, which is funny because he got so arsey about me writing that he was still a man whore when he quite clearly is. I don't like to brag, but I am always right. Needless to say, he has been swiftly removed from my guest list. Because I'm a child and so he isn't coming to my party because I don't like him anymore. Juvenile yet simple.

I have also started speaking to yet another guy from the dating site I mentioned the other day (these dating site things are great. AND they're FREE! Who knew?!) Anyway, he is slightly older than me. Like, 9 years older. As in I am 20 and he is 29... 29 as in, almost 30... He has two children, one is his, one isn't. He used to live in my town but lives just up the road now. He seems a nice guy. I may even meet up with him if my hectic lifestyle allows it. Who knows. All I do know is that I need a much more mature guy. Guys my age are immature, selfish and basically, just idiots. I need a REAL MAN. One who's life doesn't revolve around his skanky mates and going out clubbing with slags but does know what 'commitment' means in a sense other than that of a commitment to alcohol or pulling mingers. So, I figured I should set my sights a little higher and find somebody who is on my wavelength, has actual life experience AND knows how to respect me. Hey, I might even find him yet. Never say never and all that.

Lucky for me I was again subject to the slow torture that is tumble tots today. I really struggled not to laugh as some little boy who was about one was sat on a foam shape and comically just fell off sideways, comepletely rigid with no means of attempting to stop himself. Again I had to convince Grace she shouldn't climb up the slide but she learnt the hard way when this time it was her that got kicked in the face. She gave the girl who did it the filthiest look. Definitely her mother's child. And there's always that one kid, every single time without fail, who tries to steal Grace's cup. This kid blaitently had her own. Yet she walked up with a complete air of confidence and just picked it up so naturally I took it back. Ten minutes later she came back to me with a cup she had stolen from somebody else and handed it to me. I did tell her it wasn't mine. But she actually insisted I have it so I took it. I assume it was a kind of peace offering for the earlier misunderstanding. She then left and physically jumped on some poor unsuspecting child who was playing innocently on the mats. Thankfully me and Grace managed to both leave in one piece.

And that is pretty much my week so far. Other people have had more drama than me this week. My auntie found out my uncle was cheating on her with someone from work so she packed up and moved back down south to her mums and taken my cousins with her. That's REAL drama. Although to be fair, not really the kind I want in my life. Been there, done that. I suppose on the upside, at least he was cheating on her with a woman rather than, like in my case, he was cheating on me with a man. Mind you, I don't know which is worse. Anyway, it's a friday night, it's 11.30, I have been in bed since 10... This all screams 'SAD' so I suppose I might as well live up to it and just go to sleep now. Night!

Another one bites the dust

Yesterday didn't start well. Long story short, my ex told me he thinks we shouldn't talk to each other for a while. Which did upset me for a bit to be honest. I have known him for a long time, over 4 years now I think, and always kind of had a thing for him so I think maybe it's just habit for me to still love him now we aren't together. And it's not a habit I want to continue. So we are no longer speaking until further notice. I assume he just wants to clear his head as after telling me this he still said "I love you" which is highly annoying. Maybe in a few months or so when he has sorted himself out he will want to try again. Maybe he won't. Either way, I'm not waiting round for him to decide so I sent him a kind of 'goodbye' email saying as such. I also put that I think he just wanted to be the person he was before he left here to move to London for 2 years, that he is too young minded and his priorities are his friends and his social life. Which is ok, he is still young but he can't balance that and a committed relationship, it's either one or the other. And that one day he is bound to get bored because his friends will all move on, get married, have families and he'll HAVE to grow up. I was surprised I managed to write such a long email without once being nasty! But after that I deleted him as a contact and erased his number and all his messages from my phone.

After the whole scenario I actually realised I have been single for over a month now and I have done sod all about it but chase someone who wasn't worth chasing. So, as sad as it sounds, I went back onto a dating site I signed up with last year before I started seeing my ex. I started talking to a lovely guy. He can be 'guitar boy' because he is a musician in a band (nice) and he isn't too bad to look at either. He is older than me so thankfully more mature. I also started speaking to another guy who lives where my gay ex lives (although he doesn't know him, shame) and works just up the road from me. He's 'tattoo boy' because, well, he has tattoos. He added me to Facebook so I had a nosey through his pictures. And Oh. My. Freaking. GOD. He is friends with none other than Bitchy McSlagface! You couldn't make this stuff up. I spotted her ugly mug a mile off. I told him she was the person who eventually ended splitting me and my ex up and he asked why so I told him. And he said "Yeah, she's a bitch."which is exactly what my ex said about her. Happy days, nobody likes her, even her friends. So I am now currently texting two guys. Way to take my mind off things. Who knows, maybe my ex will come back to me. But maybe I will have to tell him he's too late and skip off into the sunset arm in arm with some other scrummy man and leave him behind to realise what a moron he is.

Blah blah blah blah BLAH

Rather interesting night last night. It started off with bowling. I am shockingly bad at bowling. Like really. And I lost the first game. Of course. I blame the hype of drinking Red Bull for my failings. And the fact that the stupid ball broke my nail. However I DID win the second game. Because someone else took my go for the first four go's. But whatever, I still won.

So after a Red Bull and two (free) shots later we did a round the world trip before finally getting into town. We headed straight for The Krazyhouse mainly because we were far too sober and were freezing our arses off so we legged it upstairs and pretty much jumped on the bar. So we're dancing away, trying to find a spot where there wasn't a crazy topless fat kid attempting to start a mosh pit (and failing miserably) and carried on our merryness, drinks in hand. One of my friends was also out and wanted to know where we were so I text her to tell her. But realised that I accidently text my ex who was next to her in my recent contacts list. About a minute later I got a reply saying he was also in the same club. Brilliant. I look up from my phone and who do I see in front of me through the crowd with his "best friend ex"? Double brilliant. At this point I decided anger wasn't the way forward as the bouncers can get a bit scary so I approached with a smile and a hug and after the "how are you's" I carried on dancing with my friends, drinking slightly faster than usual. Every so often I could see him looking at me through the corner of my eye so I tried my best to get out of his eye range.

Slightly drunk, I went back to the bar, got impatient at having to wait so sat at the side and waited there for a friend to bring me my drink (not technically slavery) and what do I see but my ex up on the podium all over some girl, who from what I could see was pretty ugly. I tend to be an emotional drunk so it was no wonder that that kind of sent me over the edge a little. I needed a bit of a time out and I asked my friends if they would ask if he would come and talk to me as I didn't want to ask because he was with his friends and they don't like me (God knows why, I'm amazing) but he went missing so I just sat with my thoughts away from the dancefloor for a minute.

No sooner had I sat down when two quite yummy guys came over and sat at the bench with me. One of them was perving through the girls toilets but the other, the one sat next to me started talking to me. He was southern irish so I couldn't understand a word he was saying but I smiled and nodded and told him why I was sitting there on my own. After a few minutes he leaned over and held my arm and said in my ear "Well if you don't want your ex, come and find me." and the second he pulled away I saw my ex standing behind us. Score. Anyway he then came and sat down to speak to me. And that's when, like a drunken fool, I cried. Literally properly, like when kids fall over and cut their knees except it was less funny than that. And he got hold of me and just hugged me and kissed the top of my head. I pulled away and started spouting off nonsense and he said "But I do love you..." to which I replied something along the lines of "STOP SAYING THAT!" maybe not as politely. Then he said he had to go and so he left. Also I should mention at this point I had noticed his "best friend ex" sitting behind me snogging the face off some guy that I can only assume was a new boyfriend as they were all hanging around together. Which made me deeply happy and slightly smug...

Anywho as he left another cute guy came and sat next to me. I was starting to think I should sit on that bench more often when I go there from now on. He was wearing a furry hat (?) and I think his name was Joe... he was talking to me for a bit and then one of my friends came over so he said bye and went back upstairs. But I then realised I had unknowingly turned two guys away so I went on a hunt. Whilst on this hunt some guy came up to my friend and told her his friend liked redheads with big boobs to which she told him her boyfriend was up on the next floor. Not that this put him off and he insisted her boyfriend wouldn't find out. So we left. Only in some magical way, they then both appeared at the bottom of the stairs to the next floor before we got there despite leaving before them. They were both ugly anyway but the guy then said if she didn't want to then I would do. You can imagine where I told them to shove that offer.

Irish guy was nowhere to be found. But eventually I found hat guy and asked him if I could wear said hat. And I did. He was from down south so a little easier to understand and he did tell me he loved my accent and that it reminded him of Brookside, which I didn't really know how to take so I just laughed. So I was talking and dancing with hat guy (although I still had the hat on so he was just reall 'guy') having a bit of a laugh and who should walk right past us but the ex... he smiled and gave me back an encouraging rub to the back. But it was obviously fake smile if I ever saw one. Score. Again. Hat guy then had to go and search for his lost friends, one of whom was called Waffle which was interesting. So determined to not let my ex ruin anymore of my night I carried on dancing, upgrading myself to podium level after the vodka had caught me up.

It was getting late by then so we left to get a taxi home. I looked at my phone to check the time and I had a message off him saying to text him when I got back. So I did and I went off on one about this and that, probably sounding even more stupid than I had looked earlier when I had spoken to him. I told him I hated that I loved him which apparently made him sad. He actually apologised for leaving me sat on the bench and told me that it was hurting him too even if I didn't think it. Eventually I did stop being an idiot and stopped texting him and went to sleep. I say sleep I fell asleep around 5.30am and woke about 6.30am.

He text me again today saying how he didn't understand me because one minute I'm a complete bitch and the next I'm being nice to him, that he wishes he didn't care so much and that he doesn't not feel anything for me. Then he said when he saw me last night and he said hello I was aggressive. Now, I know I was a bit tipsy but I was not that drunk and I know that when I saw him I waved and gave him a hug. Nothing aggressive about that surely? But he said he meant after that I was standing with a negative posture...? What? I was dancing and even if I did I doubt it was intentional. I then told him the reason I went to the bench was because of the girl he was all over and I didn't really want to sit and watch it. But apparently it was his friends cousin and she had a boyfriend so that was 'ok' and he wasn't ever going to pull anyone that night. Then he said "I'm sure you weren't short of offers." Ooh... ouch on his part. Jealous much. So I text him back and said that yes, I had had plenty of offers thanks. And I haven't heard back. Ha.

While I was doing all this texting I was on my way back to town with my friends (token gay and token ginger) for shopping this time. First awesome thing of the day. We found Superman tshirts in Primark and we got them, even though they were in mens sizes, I still had to have one. Then with our shades on we wandered to a very odd shop. Where there was two men on the door there to greet you. Pretty much topless. They were wearing open jackets but nothing underneath. And their six packs... WOW. I almost melted a bit so we went inside quick. It was a bizzarre shop and none of the clothes had a price on so for this reason we left and got to walk past the hot guys again who said bye to us as we went (by this time we were drooling slightly). Second highlight of the day after the Superman tshirt.

But now I am on a Red Bull comedown and waiting for my darling child to come back from her day with her father. Definately an early night for me. And strictly NO texting. Until I cave in and do it again anyway. I am an A class prat, seriously.

Blame it on the boogie

Well what do you know... guess who didn't show up? He said he had thought about it and he didn't think it was a good idea because he wanted to be alone at the minute and he didn't want to get my hopes up... Erm... what?! Get my hopes up? Cheeky bastard. I had stopped getting my hopes up a long time ago (kind of) but even if I hadn't would you be surprised? What with all the "I love you" "I miss you" "I need you" texts. I would say that was kind of misleading up until that very point where he actually gave me some sort of answer.

So ok, he didn't come then but I like to be the one who has the final say in everything and there was still things I needed to say before I got rid of him from my life completely. So he said "I'll come and see you tomorrow afetrnoon because I'm off." So I said ok and I gave him a time and a place. Then later on I text him to ask if he had got my text and he said "I'll try." I was NOT happy. I asked him if he was winding me up and he said he doesn't have a car so it's harder to get here. I told him there was such a thing as a bus and he said ok. And I thought that was that. Until he text me at 12.30 this afternoon and said "I assume since I've not heard from you that you don't want to meet up with me today." Erm, I DO actually have a life and I had been busy and had assumed he had half a brain to put two and two together. I gave him a time. He knew he had to get the bus. I hadn't text him anything else. Any ordinary person would have figured out that that would mean the time was the same and so you would need to get the bus so you were at that place for that time. But this proved overly difficult for his tiny brain. Instead he said it was going to take him a couple of hours to get here (He lives half an hour away max) He couldn't get a lift and by the time he got here he would have to leave because I am going out at 4 so there was no point, sorry. Sorry?! He has an absolute nerve I tell you. That is absolutely 100% completely IT.

I'm sure he would have found a way around it had I been his super amazing ex ex aka "best friend". He is such an arsehole, why the hell did I stick around waiting for him? I could get someone ten times better and ten times hotter than him if I wanted to. GOD I am so STUPID! But hey, out with the old and in with the new. Luckily I am going out with friends tonight so I can finally let my hair down and have a good time and not be sat in a corner thinking of new ways to convince him he was making a huge mistake walking away from me. You see, he said he cared about me so much but infact, it seems as though he is taking this whole thing in his stride. He actually couldn't give a toss. And since when do I need somebody like that in my life? Never. Thank you very much. I am in definite need of a good dance and a good laugh. Problem is, my ex informed me he is actually out as well tonight and no doubt in my drunkeness I will hunt him down and tell him to his face what I really think. Good times!

Ouch, ouch, OUCH!

Jesus Christ! I have done nothing but hurt so far today! This morning when I woke up I noticed I had somehow managed to cut my thumb on a joint so when I bend it it stings. Ouch number one. Then I went to the doctors to have my blood tests done. I went in praying I didn't faint. I did once but in all fairness they did come at me like vampires and literally drained me dry. Ok, well they took four test tubes but still, that's a lot of blood, blood that is supposed to be IN me, not in a tube. Anyway, she took three and I didn't faint. I almost did but I started talking about mindless nonsense to keep myself in focus. Ouch number 2.

Afterwards I took my dear daughter to the park. But she just wanted to constantly go on the slide. Which meant having to life her with a very sore arm. Ouch number 3. She almost had an ouch herself, willingly walking in front of a girl on the swing. And I have just spent the last 20 minutes trying to get my plaster off the area they took my blood from. Only it was stuck down with masking tape for some odd reason which in turn had in such a short space of time actually appeared to have formed into and become part of my own skin. And the hairs on my arm. The removal of this was actually more painful than the injection itself. But I finally managed it despite it hurting like hell. Ouch number 4.

And, possibly the biggest ouch out of them all, ouch number 5... You know what's coming right? Well I text my ex last night to ask if he was actually going to turn up tonight (despite HIM being the one who asked ME if he could come) and he said he would "try" and would ask his dad as he has no car at the minute so his dad is acting as chauffeur. So I text him again this morning (yes, I know I'm sad) and asked if he would let me know as soon as possible if he was coming round. Because I'm not waiting up for him to decide last minute he isn't going to bother. I got no reply so figured he was at work and hadn't had time to check his phone. So I get in and go on Facebook to find my newsfeed flooded with things written by him in the last hour. His profile picture had changed to him kissing his best friend (who is also his ex) on the head and his status was some oddness about living for love or something equally as random. Naturally I thought, for crying out loud, why am I such a frigging moron? So I text him again and said that it was obvious he had got my message but chosen not to reply. I told him I was done with all this, done with making an effort when he doesn't seem to care. And that I am obviously nothing to him and I'm just sorry that I wasted so much time believing that I was. And THEN he replied about his head being in the clouds and he would ask his dad about coming down now. That was almost an hour ago. I really am fed up with this. If he doesn't end up coming round tonight then that is IT. His ex is welcome to him. I have wasted far too much time on him, time I could have spent doing something worth while. I am pissed off to high heaven and I am so angry, not just at him but at myself, that I could kill somebody right now. Like literally kill them. I need to go out and get very very drunk. Any offers?

Just a random one

For once I actually don't have that much to write. But I figured I would anyway. So, what have I been up to...

Well as you may remember my ex kindly reminded me that I'm a moody cow so I carted myself off to the doctors yesterday. Not because I'm a moody cow, but for all the other stuff that comes with it. Pretty much didn't get anywhere but I'm back for blood tests in the morning. What fun. Mind you I would rather have a hundred blood tests than go to the dentist. There's just something about people who actually want and probably enjoy looking into people's germ ridden mouths that makes me feel somewhat uneasy.

I am currently taking tomorrow's possible 'meeting' with a pinch of salt. I am pretty sure he will make some excuse not to come. And if he doesn't and he actually turns up then, well... I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it I suppose. In an ideal scenario he will turn up, realise just what he is missing and beg for me to get back with him. In the real world where men are mainly selfish idiots it is most likely that I will be nothing more than a booty call. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Technically it doesn't make me a slag. Does it?! Because he is still in love with me and vice versa. Hmm. I'll leave that one to the critics.

God, this is going to mess me up. So why can't I just leave it? There is a small part of me that for some unbeknown reason is still clinging on to the tiniest possibility that he will see the light and come running back. Maybe he will. Maybe I'm destined to be a miserable old spinster for the rest of my life. Maybe living with cats is easier than trying and failing at winning some guy back. I feel silly because he is not just "some guy" when really, he should just be another one of those chapters in the story of my life. What is wrong with me? Why have I suddenly become some soppy ass whingebag pining after a guy? Mind you, if what they say is true, anything is possible.

*Face palm*

I intended yesterday to be a good one. A bit of a getaway I suppose. But I ruined it because I can't control myself. So I went to town for lunch with friends. I got the bus by myself and as per usual took out my earphones in order to get lost in some music and in my thoughts. I turned on my iPod. Battery dead. Oh just fantastic. An hours bus journey with no music. But I figured, hey, don't stress. There are no annoying teenage girls or screaming children on here to annoy me. Just old age pensioners who sit quietly watching the world go by out of the window. No sooner had this reassured me then two extremely loud chavs got on. One was talking loudly on his mobile to someone who he had put on loudspeaker so we all had the privelege of hearing both sides of the conversation. A conversation that I was surprised didn't give any of the old people a heart attack. I don't wish to repeat it. But there was an argument between the chav and phone guy whether or not the chav did inface have a tattoo of phone guy's mum's name on his, erm, cock. After about 20 minutes of this absurdity (including the chav trying to sell his mobile to the phone guy but then informing him that his dad had already said he would swap it for drugs and, possibly the most intriguing end to a conversation I have heard in a while, I'll speak to you later after your dad's finished giving me a w*nk) he finally put the phone down. I thought, thank god for that. And literally that very second music starts blasting from the phone. Hardcore rave music. Just for us to listen to on the last leg of our journey. Perfect.

I finally got to town alive with my sanity still partially intact. Now, due to lack of entertainment I may have texted my ex. Just to ask how he was. This then started off an actual conversation of sorts, something we haven't had since we broke up. Really. At first it was your average "how are you?" "Are you up to much today?" etc. Then it turned a bit, erm, naughty. On his part might I add. So I eventually meet up with one friend and we go into a shop and are looking around. And I get a message, check my phone then slam it shut and giggle. Highly inappropriate time to send a rude picture. And then asking for one in return. Once we had met up with our other friend we went off to Nandos for some lunch. The text banter continued in secret as they both told me how he is childish and that I should find somebody else. I agreed. And then sent a sneaky text. Shame on me.

After finally getting home I tried to just forget it. No more texting. Fail. It didn't take me long to text him back. I won't go into details. But he text me a few times telling me that he had really missed me today (only today? How rude) and then, he text me simply saying "I need you." Well, for the love of God. One minute we can't be together because I'm a moody bitch and the next he needs me?! I had to calm down before I replied. And then he asked if he could come and see me on Friday night as he was off on Saturday. The voice in my head, the one that tells me all the sensible things I should do that I blaitently ignore, was screaming NO!!! Don't do it, tell him to get lost! And for a moment I considered it. But my fingers sprang a life of their own (honest) and told him he could come and see me. Damn! I can see a complete re-creation of the fiasco caused by the last time he called over. Why why WHY am I such an idiot?!! I just can't help myself... It's all going to end in tears.

My name is Becki and I am officially insane

Well. Now. Let me see. It's been a slow day. It's Mothers Day apparently. Pretty much means "your average day" in this house. Breakfast in bed with a side order of a giant bouquet and a card from my loving daughter? A chance to put my feet up and let someone else dress her and feed her and entertain her.... Not happening. Instead I was woken at 6.20am by her growling at me and kicking her door in. She then went ahead to throw my new highlighter pens down the toilet and cover herself and the bathroom in moisturising lotion. I had no breakfast. Infact I didn't even have lunch on account of every time I left the room she yelled incoherently for me to change the channel because she wasn't satisfied with what I had put on for her. Happy Mothers day to me! Well, to be fair I did get a card and some flowers off my mum from Grace but that was pretty much as much as a Mothers day as I got.

Anyway, I was only really coming on to say that I eventually got a reply to my email to my ex (although I DID have to send yet another one to "jog his memory") It basically said, he loves me but doesn't think it will go anywhere because I have bad mood swings so if I want to be with him I have to sort my head out first. Charming. Ok, I agree, my mood swings are pretty bad. I wish I could deny it. And ok, yes I DO need to sort my head out. But, seriously, I said all that stuff and that's all I get in response? Don't know why I even bother my arse. A new motto: Don't make someone a priority when they only make you an option. Definately works here. I'm done with focusing so much of my "emotional side" on him. I would really rather he turned round and told me to shove it rather than beating around the bush with "I love you but..." there shouldn't really be a 'but' there. You either love someone or you don't.

On another note though, I managed to put up my desk yesterday. Alone. And I am still alive and nobody was hit across the head with a flying spanner thrown from my bedroom window. However, possibly due to the sheer delusion caused by what I can only describe as the most debilitating cold ever in the history of the world, I spent an hour talking to the desk components and the bolts as if they were actual people. And, mainly though, talking to myself. Cursing the stupid Allen key ("Who the f*ck invented this stupid thing? Whoever it was needs shooting.") Cursing the bolts when they wouldn't fit the hole ("Oh for christ's sake, I am fed up with all these stupid design flaws.") Cursing the spanner ("Seriously, what is the point of this spanner? What the hell is a spanner even for? What a useless excuse for a tool.") Pretty much just cursing everything but occasionally, when I got it right, giving myself, and the desk, a pat on the back.

Anyway I must take my crazy ass self off to, well, do whatever it is I do. Which for one, is NOT text or contact my ex. I think it's time I give up the chase. For now. My willpower is second to none. Actually, it's none, But I can do this. I think. God, I blame these flu tablets. These, erm, non-drowsy flu tablets...

Could someone please just come over to mine and punch me in the face now please? Thanks.

That's what you get when you let your heart win

Bit of a random day today. More random than usual anyway. Let me explain from the begining...

So Thursday I had a bit of a panic. I am a skinny minnie naturally. I hate it. It takes ages to put weight on no matter how much I eat. And yes, people hate me for it. But once I finally put weight on, I have to keep it up or it falls off straight. A couple weeks ago I noticed my belly growing. I was ecstatic. Weirdly. But the last week I haven't eaten much because I have been feeling a bit down and stressy. But still my tummy kept growing. But it didn't look like fat. So then I had a terrible thought. Pregnant? But I couldn't be... surely? I compared a picture of my belly at 12 weeks pregnant with Grace to what it looks like now and there was a definate likeness. So I panicked a little bit. Today I ventured out and bought a pregnancy test and snuck into a coffee shop toilet to do it. I get a bit paranoid about this particular subject so I have bought quite a lot of tests in my time. Not because I'm a slag, just because I'm, well, paranoid, so I have to check to put my mind at rest. So, as a pregnancy test pro, I took it. An agonising 3 minutes later I checked it. Negative. Phew, close one. I didn't tell my ex about this though. So I hope he isn't able to read this anymore!

So, mind at ease, I went and got myself a hot chocolate and sat down. Only to catch the eye of one hot ass waiter. I smiled at sank my face into my drink like a coward. Dammit. Commence hair flicking. Subconsciously of course. I realised I was doing it and hastily stopped. Could I be any more obvious? Anyway, I carried on people watching and lost in my thoughts. Long enough to not notice the sexy waiter had sat on the table next me to take his break. I snapped out of trance for fear of looking like a mad staring woman. I continued to try and distract myself so I wouldn't look at him. But then he asked me a question. Well I assume it was a question. I didn't hear him properly I was to busy staring at the cupcake stand at the counter. Anyway, I turned and politely asked him to repeat himself (Well not quite like that...) then he starting asking me my name and all that. I think I answered. I was now staring (subtly) at his face. Even the way he drank coffee was sexy... We had some random conversation about goodness knows what for about half an hour. Then his break was over. And he asked me out. I thought woah, fast worker! Well he asked me if I would be around town when he finished his shift at 4. And I said I wouldn't be as I didn't live round there and I was sorry. And then he said "No worries, maybe see you round then." followed by a smile and wink. And off he went back into the kitchen. I got up a little dazed and realised that I'd missed my bus. But I couldn't really hang around there now so went to the bus stop anyway.

When I finally caught another bus I stuck in my earphones and stared out of the window thinking, what the frick did I just do?! I just said no to meeting up with a totally hot man. This was confirmation that my mojo is officially gone. Deep in thought I happened to look out of the corner of my eye and notice some other guy staring me. I turned around and he smiled at me and gave me "the eye" so naturally I smiled back. My eyes were then drawn to his bag that had the logo of a local sixth form college on. Double frick.

I am now finally home away from the madness. I am not entirely sure what was going on today... I must have looked pretty hot. Although I can't see that being the case as I have THE worst cold ever and feel and, I thought, look like hell. If they could see me now hey... sat on my bed in my dressing gown with a pack of tissues and a box of cold and flu tablets and throat soothers, sniffling away. Mmm, not so sexy!

On another quick note. I have not yet had a reply to my email that I sent to my ex the other day. He says he has been too busy. I asked if he wanted to meet up in town today as it's nearer his neck of the woods. He said he didn't have his car but he would try. Yeah, I didn't believe that. Just as well cause he was a no show. Pfft. You can't blame a girl for trying. Plus he would have only cramped my style.

I am now preparing for the added stress of building a desk in my room. I'm waiting for it to be delivered so there is a big possibility that I am going to end up throwing something out of the window. Maybe even myself. I really don't make things easy for myself. Sigh...

Heart: 1 Becki: 0

I fail. I mean I actually fail. I think I may have lost my dignity. Well, what's left of it. Stupid emotions.

As I thought, my ex didn't come to see me yesterday. Which is fine. I was busy anyway. He was in Stafford driving cars apparently. Not sure why but there you go. Then he went in to work until late. So I got into bed nice and early. 10.00pm actually. I thought I could snuggle up, catch up on some missed Z's. Wrong. He text me to say night at around 11ish. Just as I was drifting off so I was awake again. After lying thinking to myself for about 10 minutes I decided to do something which could potentially make me look like an absolute idiot. I sent him an email. An email in which I literally put all decorum and dignity to one side and poured out my entire heart. Like an absolute loser. Don't get me wrong, I meant every word I said and at the time it seemed like a good idea. I won't quote, I don't wish to lose face outside of that email but it was pretty much along the lines of, I love you, you love me. I care about you, you care about me. I miss you, you miss me. I want to be with you, you want to be with with me.... so why the hell are we not together?!

Aside from that I literally droned on for a good 5 paragraphs just writing down everything that was in my head. I read it through, figured it sounded pretty decent and clicked send. Only to then think, Oh no. This is going to end in tears. And they are likely to be mine.

So I get a text this morning at about 7am. Luckily I was awake or a potential ball bashing would have occurred. It was him, telling me to let him know when I was up. That's when I thought, crap... he's read it and he thinks I'm a complete twat. So I hesitantly told him I was up and a second later my phone rang. Pick it up and he starts to tell me how he was so stressed last night that he ended up getting hives... I know for a fact these are evil as I have had them myself so of course I was sympathetic. Not that I wouldn't have been sympathetic anyway of course. He then told me that he had been up all night with them and was now off to do a 19 hour shift (rather him than me) but that he had read my email in his state of agony early this morning but that he hadn't replied yet as he hadn't really had a proper look at it so he would do it later. But he just wanted me to know he'd read it. I suppose it's a good thing that he wasn't laughing when he said that. Makes me feel slightly better. I went to go and re-read it. He has replied saying that he can't reply properly but he had read it. Bit late as I already knew that but hey ho.

I'm not embarrassed per se. Well, I am. But only because me and my emotional side don't really see eye to eye. Always fighting we are. Like cat and dog. But there I was, writing all that down and leaving myself totally exposed. I guess I wish I didn't feel like this at all. It would make things a lot easier. But then I wouldn't be keeping pharmacies in business solely by purchasing tonnes of paracetemol for my constant headaches. Every cloud... It's times like these I wish I was 5 again, eating daisies and promising I would never touch a boy ever because they're yucky. Which is still a point which stands today. Boys are yucky. But I can't help myself.

Anyway I suppose only time will tell. This could be make or break really. On the one hand it could have the desired effect, he could read it properly and think, you know, she has a point, this is stupid. Let's just try again. On the other he could read it properly and think, well, tough. I still think the same as I did to begin with. Sorry. I'm hoping for the first one. I am trying my best to be optimistic... I am a pessimist at heart. My motto for life is "If you always think the worst then when something good happens it will be twice as nice. And if something bad happens at least you'll be expecting it." Not really a motto actually, more like a life lesson. So I am changing sides, for now at least. I don't know why, part of me says I should remain optimistic until proven otherwise. Stupid brain. So I am holding out hope... very little hope but hope nontheless, that my sheer moment of madness of opening myself up to all sorts, will turn out to actually be a good thing. Watch this space...

I'm in a glass case of emotion...

Scrap that. Yesterday was the most confusing day. Ever. I had a pretty rough day. Everything was getting to me, I was really upset. Which is unlike me. Kind of. Anyway, long story short my ex ended up coming over. He said he couldn't because it might make things worse and we could get hurt again etc etc. I was pretty down by this point. So thought, blah. Fine. But you know, I don't give in without a fight. My power of persuasion (asking nicely of course... hmm) meant he eventually did come down. All be it at 1.15am. Now, we are not actually friends, nor are we together. So I'm not altogether sure where that puts me. I wanted him to come and talk to me about it because I was confused and all that and I was fed up to here with doing all this over the phone and over the internet.

So yeah, anyway, he turns up and crawls into my bed. Ooh, cuddles, ok. So I embraced that. He held me tighter than he ever has and while I carried on enjoying it, my confusion was setting in. But I let it slide. Ooh, kisses... um, ok. Well I'm not going to turn that down, been dying for them for ages. The confusion however is still growing but I am mentally swatting at it like it's an annoying fly. Anyway, I won't go into detail but one thing leads to another. Cue giant red flashing light going off in my head that the fly swat can't seem to budge. So, I calm myself down, take it all in my stride. Go with the flow and whatever. By this point however it was nearing 2am and the talking simply didn't take place. I fell asleep with him holding me, something I've never done before. I like my own space so he usually got kicked over to the other side eventually. All night he was right near me, holding my hand, cuddling me and, if he heard me stir, which I did a number of times, he would kiss me on the head. Sweet hey? Well yes, technically.

So then morning came and he had to get off to work. He came to cuddle me on the couch for five minutes, then he left, with a cuddle and another kiss on the head. Issue still not resolved. So anyway, it seems that the original principle still stands. He doesn't want to get hurt, he doesn't want me to get hurt, we are no closer to getting out of this limbo... And the swat has totally given in because the confusion is well and truly established. Brilliant. So, I don't really know what more to say other than I need a God damn aspirin for my poor head. I don't know when I will next see him. Could be this week could be next, could even be next month the way he makes out. All I know is I am one huge confusion ball. And maybe I shouldn't, but I'm keeping some hope that all this stupidness can be forgotten and we can get on with things. Because it's obvious he cares about me, if I do say so myself, I just wish I knew why he won't let himself do this. Men. They boggle the mind, they really do.

Even an end has a start

Well... the inevitable has happened. He saw this. Yes, my ex read this. Not particularly helpful to say the least. Apparently one of his friends found it and told him to look. I will assume for now that it was Bitchy McSlagface who stumbled across it while googling her name. But what can I say? I tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Needless to say anyway, he is less than impressed. Probably understandable. Long story short I rang to ask him why he had been ignoring my texts and he said he had read this. Of course my gut reaction was to ask "Well, did you like it?" but obviously that was probably inappropriate. He said he was hurt by some of the things I said. I was going to say that maybe I was hurt about the fact that he had just come back off holiday with his friends. Spent Friday with his friends. Spent Saturday day with his friends and THEN spent Saturday night with his friends despite him A) going on about how he missed me and that he wanted to see me and B) he is now back at work so I am unlikely to see him now for a while. But then I thought, well, kicking him when he's down y'know. (Hello to him if you are reading this by the way... you probably shouldn't be though) so he is currently ignoring me. But that's fine.

Just to add to the headscrewed situation I was asked out on a date yesterday. Yes you did read that right. I got talking to yet another ex (he is one I also ditched for the Gay one... what a silly cow I am) and we had a little catch up as we haven't spoken in a while. And I start whining about men which is now a common occurence for me. And he started to tell me that I was pretty and all that and that he would like to take me on a date sometime if I wanted. So, well... cue confusion. I think it's time to sort the old head out and have a good rethink. On the one hand I would like to. On the other part of me is still waiting around for "current ex" to make his mind up about what he wants although at the moment, I am guessing that will probably amount to nothing now. I guess you can go blue in the face saying things to people and they just don't listen.

Anyway, my head hurts so I think it's best I leave it there. For now

I predict a riot!

Oh my, the STRESS of today has been unbelievable. I have never sworn aloud to myself so much in my entire life! Well, maybe I have but still. But let me just say... Becki: 1- Totally awkward bed guard: 0. I am in no way, shape or form, a "DIYer" but I can and will attempt the simpler of tasks. So a bed guard, should be easy. However this was not the case and I spent a good half an hour wrestling it like it was a thrashing alligator. No luck. I decided the battle was lost. But I refused to be beaten and after some finger respite (they had taken most of the beating) I gave it one last try. Cue foul mouth but lo and behold, another 20 minutes and very sore fingers later, I had won. Victory! I carried it into Grace's room. And managed to smack her in the head with one of the poles. Well you can't win everything I guess.

Elsewhere my ex is back from the snowy plains of Austria. I thought he was there until Saturday, shows how much I listen. I got a phonecall last night letting me know he was back and that he rang me the minute he had got in. And at the end of this phonecall I heard a distinct "I love you" when about to hang up. Confused? Yes. And me being me just couldn't help myself when he was texting me telling me that he missed me, texting him back and saying the same. God I'm such a sucker. So he is off work tomorrow and I'm not at all hopeful that he will come and see me despite him telling me that he wanted to. I'm off to stuff my face with all you can eat food again tomorrow anyway so we'll see. Oh, men. I think I still hold the belief that they should just be taken to a desert island and shot. Not the good ones, who are few and far between, just all the crappy, useless, annoying ones. So like, 99.8%. I mean, I'm not about to refuse to shave under my arms or start burning my bras, but some things should just go without saying and one of those things is, women are better off without men. Period. No pun intended of course.

And finally, I am currently debating whether I should stay up and watch True Blood tonight or record it. Sexy vampires, early night... sexy vampires, early night.... Ooh if only I could have both at the same time. Now that would be interesting...

The children are our future

Curled up on the couch, stuffing your face with crisps, watching a woman having an epidural... just your average Tuesday night hey?

Watching programmes about birth actually has the adverse effect on me. Rather than feeling broody and longing to be giving birth again it makes me shudder and think my GOD I do NOT want to have to go through that EVER again. I can literally feel their pain. And that is me not being a drama queen. Actually, I have no idea why I do watch these programmes. Maybe that slight evil streak in me that likes watching people in pain... although the babies are pretty cute. And I'm lying because I would do it again. Just not for a very long time.

I've been thinking a bit today. People won't believe that but it's true. About the prediction that we are all going to die on 21st December 2012. It makes me laugh. Not in a sadistic way. Just that I can't believe people actually believe it. Apparently the Mayans predicted the end of the world on that day. Their calendar runs out on that date. So that's what it must mean right? Not to mention they managed to wipe themselves out by poisioning themselves, contaminating their own water supply by throwing sacrificed humans' corpses into their resevoir. I refuse to believe anybody who is that stupid. People are literally going mad thinking that they are right. I mean, come on... seriously? Nobody can predict the end of the world! Some are saying that actually we may experience a polar shift resulting in another ice age. Now that is something to be afraid of! I'm sitting in my lounge with the heating on and I'm still freezing my arse off. I wouldn't survive an ice age. I won't even consider going skiing in the Alps. Too much ice, too much snow, too much COLD! What the hell happened to global warming??! I could deal with that.

Aside from contemplating a future wrapped in a fur coat and ice skating my way around town what else has happened these last few days? Well my daughter's good for nothing father played another blinder on Sunday. He used to live bit of a drive away so I didn't ask him to get her ready for bed before he brought her home. But as he has moved nearer I asked him would he mind doing it now. Now, coming from the man that believes he deserves a "Parent of the Year" award, what would you think he said? "Yes of course?" "Consider it already done!" "I would love to, so I can spend some time bonding with my daughter by bathing her and being an actual father." Not quite. He pretty much said "No." His reasoning? He still has to travel. Seriously, I'm not quite sure what it is that he thinks classifies him as a good parent. Perhaps he lives in his own delusional dream world where taking your daughter out with your boyfriend and having a jolly old time and that's where the "parenting" ends is enough for you to lie in bed at night and be confident that you are as good a parent as you could be. Unfortunately for him, and I'm not sure if anybody has told him yet, you also have to feed, change, bath and do all the things I assume he considers a chore and refuses to, and has always refused, to do. As I have previously stated though, Karma is a fantastic thing and he will be the number one person I will enjoy watching come to his slow and painful downfall when his selfish and egotistical lifestyle comes back to bite him in the arse.

And breathe....

In other news, my ex, as you know, is in Austria. I had heard nothing from him since Saturday. Which is fine. I don't expect to be on his mind. Not with all the alcohol and snowboarding and girls (I really hope he never reads this or I might be in some serious trouble) Anyway, I had a voicemail earlier on. It was from him, saying he wanted to let me know that he missed me and that his phone wasn't working. I just love being headscrewed. Love it. Well, not long until D-Day. Then I can stop being stuck in limbo not sure whether I'm coming or going. That would be nice.