I'm in a glass case of emotion...

Scrap that. Yesterday was the most confusing day. Ever. I had a pretty rough day. Everything was getting to me, I was really upset. Which is unlike me. Kind of. Anyway, long story short my ex ended up coming over. He said he couldn't because it might make things worse and we could get hurt again etc etc. I was pretty down by this point. So thought, blah. Fine. But you know, I don't give in without a fight. My power of persuasion (asking nicely of course... hmm) meant he eventually did come down. All be it at 1.15am. Now, we are not actually friends, nor are we together. So I'm not altogether sure where that puts me. I wanted him to come and talk to me about it because I was confused and all that and I was fed up to here with doing all this over the phone and over the internet.

So yeah, anyway, he turns up and crawls into my bed. Ooh, cuddles, ok. So I embraced that. He held me tighter than he ever has and while I carried on enjoying it, my confusion was setting in. But I let it slide. Ooh, kisses... um, ok. Well I'm not going to turn that down, been dying for them for ages. The confusion however is still growing but I am mentally swatting at it like it's an annoying fly. Anyway, I won't go into detail but one thing leads to another. Cue giant red flashing light going off in my head that the fly swat can't seem to budge. So, I calm myself down, take it all in my stride. Go with the flow and whatever. By this point however it was nearing 2am and the talking simply didn't take place. I fell asleep with him holding me, something I've never done before. I like my own space so he usually got kicked over to the other side eventually. All night he was right near me, holding my hand, cuddling me and, if he heard me stir, which I did a number of times, he would kiss me on the head. Sweet hey? Well yes, technically.

So then morning came and he had to get off to work. He came to cuddle me on the couch for five minutes, then he left, with a cuddle and another kiss on the head. Issue still not resolved. So anyway, it seems that the original principle still stands. He doesn't want to get hurt, he doesn't want me to get hurt, we are no closer to getting out of this limbo... And the swat has totally given in because the confusion is well and truly established. Brilliant. So, I don't really know what more to say other than I need a God damn aspirin for my poor head. I don't know when I will next see him. Could be this week could be next, could even be next month the way he makes out. All I know is I am one huge confusion ball. And maybe I shouldn't, but I'm keeping some hope that all this stupidness can be forgotten and we can get on with things. Because it's obvious he cares about me, if I do say so myself, I just wish I knew why he won't let himself do this. Men. They boggle the mind, they really do.