Heart: 1 Becki: 0

I fail. I mean I actually fail. I think I may have lost my dignity. Well, what's left of it. Stupid emotions.

As I thought, my ex didn't come to see me yesterday. Which is fine. I was busy anyway. He was in Stafford driving cars apparently. Not sure why but there you go. Then he went in to work until late. So I got into bed nice and early. 10.00pm actually. I thought I could snuggle up, catch up on some missed Z's. Wrong. He text me to say night at around 11ish. Just as I was drifting off so I was awake again. After lying thinking to myself for about 10 minutes I decided to do something which could potentially make me look like an absolute idiot. I sent him an email. An email in which I literally put all decorum and dignity to one side and poured out my entire heart. Like an absolute loser. Don't get me wrong, I meant every word I said and at the time it seemed like a good idea. I won't quote, I don't wish to lose face outside of that email but it was pretty much along the lines of, I love you, you love me. I care about you, you care about me. I miss you, you miss me. I want to be with you, you want to be with with me.... so why the hell are we not together?!

Aside from that I literally droned on for a good 5 paragraphs just writing down everything that was in my head. I read it through, figured it sounded pretty decent and clicked send. Only to then think, Oh no. This is going to end in tears. And they are likely to be mine.

So I get a text this morning at about 7am. Luckily I was awake or a potential ball bashing would have occurred. It was him, telling me to let him know when I was up. That's when I thought, crap... he's read it and he thinks I'm a complete twat. So I hesitantly told him I was up and a second later my phone rang. Pick it up and he starts to tell me how he was so stressed last night that he ended up getting hives... I know for a fact these are evil as I have had them myself so of course I was sympathetic. Not that I wouldn't have been sympathetic anyway of course. He then told me that he had been up all night with them and was now off to do a 19 hour shift (rather him than me) but that he had read my email in his state of agony early this morning but that he hadn't replied yet as he hadn't really had a proper look at it so he would do it later. But he just wanted me to know he'd read it. I suppose it's a good thing that he wasn't laughing when he said that. Makes me feel slightly better. I went to go and re-read it. He has replied saying that he can't reply properly but he had read it. Bit late as I already knew that but hey ho.

I'm not embarrassed per se. Well, I am. But only because me and my emotional side don't really see eye to eye. Always fighting we are. Like cat and dog. But there I was, writing all that down and leaving myself totally exposed. I guess I wish I didn't feel like this at all. It would make things a lot easier. But then I wouldn't be keeping pharmacies in business solely by purchasing tonnes of paracetemol for my constant headaches. Every cloud... It's times like these I wish I was 5 again, eating daisies and promising I would never touch a boy ever because they're yucky. Which is still a point which stands today. Boys are yucky. But I can't help myself.

Anyway I suppose only time will tell. This could be make or break really. On the one hand it could have the desired effect, he could read it properly and think, you know, she has a point, this is stupid. Let's just try again. On the other he could read it properly and think, well, tough. I still think the same as I did to begin with. Sorry. I'm hoping for the first one. I am trying my best to be optimistic... I am a pessimist at heart. My motto for life is "If you always think the worst then when something good happens it will be twice as nice. And if something bad happens at least you'll be expecting it." Not really a motto actually, more like a life lesson. So I am changing sides, for now at least. I don't know why, part of me says I should remain optimistic until proven otherwise. Stupid brain. So I am holding out hope... very little hope but hope nontheless, that my sheer moment of madness of opening myself up to all sorts, will turn out to actually be a good thing. Watch this space...